The most serious Kiwi offences

New Zealand does not impose the death penalty, but if it did, these are the crimes most likely to be affected.

1. Confusing New Zealand with Australia

Foreign travellers who have survived remarking how Scotland was part of England have been known to mysteriously disappear for saying something similar (which I dare not repeat) about New Zealand and Australia. Visitors are likely to fall under suspicion if they infer that possums should become a protected species.

2. Not cutting your grass

Neighbours frown at this unspeakable crime, but as yet there is no penalty beyond the turned-up noses.

3. Not starting a garage sale at 8am

Advertising a 9am start in not an acceptable plea for this offence. Lynch mobs regularly prowl the streets on Saturday mornings to make sure this particular crime wave does not get out of hand.

4. Parking on the verge

Even parking on your own verge can lead to serious penalties.